I have not written on the subject of twin flames in a while. I personally find it tiring to see that most information available on the internet is just plain wrong. I find that talking about it to anyone about is frustrating, because very few people are actually involved in a real twin flame situation. It seems to be that people approach me wanting to talk about it, are hoping that somehow I would validate their claims, and I simply do not have any desire to do so. 

As I have said in past posts, most people claiming to be experiencing a twin flame relationship, are actually experiencing a dysfunctional one. And then comes along, these self-proclaimed spiritual gurus who have deluded themselves about what the twin flame is, and have gone on to teach their delusions to the masses. Many have preached about some version of a theory on the stages of twin flame unions. As someone who has experienced genuine twin soul encounters, I have concluded that these theories being promoted are totally wrong. 

After some time studying the subject of narcissism, I have observed that these supposed twin flame stages are really what a narcissist will put you through when you are romantically involved with one. It is cleverly disguised as somehow being spiritually significant, and so the narc’s victim is blinded by the situation.

First of all, a very many of you out there, who believe in twin flames are likely to be of the empathic nature. This means that you feel things greatly and you use your feelings to guide you. However, many of you assume that being empathic is the norm for everyone else. It is as though you grew up knowing that there is a spiritual realm and you thought that everyone else knew it too. So it is a culture shock to you, when you became the laughingstock at school when you casually mentioned that you thought you saw your dead grandmother walking in the hallway when you got up to go to the bathroom last night. You assumed this was normal and so you trusted that your friends would understand. Empaths and narcissists are like different cultures, and so they interpret things differently. These differences cause much frustration for the empath.

The trouble with empaths is that they walk around with rose coloured glasses of compassion. They are blinded by the compassion they feel for others, not realizing that, they are making assumptions based on their emotional way of thinking. Instead of properly reading the person, observing their behaviours, they are projecting the character traits that they want onto the other person. And the other person is very adept to making the person believe that they have these traits too. They are like a blank canvas, willing to be painted on, as they know of the rewards they are about to reap by playing along.

A narcissist does not have the emotional depth of what an empath has. Their emotional development was stunted from an early age, and so they did not develop emotional or social intelligence. They lack awareness of what others feel. They do not have empathy, but they do expect to receive empathy from others. It’s a one-way street when you’re with a narc. They do not like to deal with their emotions, instead they learned to read the signals of what is deemed an approbate manner to react in a given situation. It is like virtue signalling, they don’t actually feel anything, but they want to be seen as acting appropriately. They develop a cognitive form of empathy. Instead of feeling the real emotions of a situation, they react in a way that they think society expects them to. Of course, sometimes the narcissist is caught off guard and they are caught acting inappropriately. Sometime they let their guard down thinking that no one will notice if they make an offensive remark, or abuse another individual in public. These little acts are pleasing to the narc, they are getting fuel from it.

Empaths are a great source of fuel for narcs, as they offer a lot of attention, even offering them compassion and understanding for their character flaws. An empath is less likely to call them out on their bad behaviour, and will even overlook the red flags shown to them in the early stages of a relationship. And because an empath will forgive so easily, this gives the narc a free pass to act badly and get away with it. 

A narc will lead you to believe that you have found your soul mate, or twin flame. They will mirror your behaviour, and since you assume that they are acting sincerely, it is natural for you to assume that you found your match. The fact is, you have just fallen in the love with the traits that you exhibit in your self, and the narc just reflected it back to you like parrot. All of it was just an illusion. The person you thought they were never existed in the first place. This is very shocking to an empath. An empath finds it baffling that anyone would go to such lengths to pretend. The narc is very willing to play the pretend game with you to get their fuel. 

People have theorized that there is a process of how a twin flame relationship unfolded, not realizing that these stages are merely describing a dysfunctional relationship. And so when an empath runs into trouble with a romantic partner, they end up looking for answers on the internet. How can someone they just experienced incredible love with, just suddenly run out on them like that? How is it that this whirlwind romance went from greatest love story of all time to cold shoulder silent treatment in an instance? 

I was deeply puzzled by this when a person whom I was close friends with, suddenly announced to me that they were getting a divorce after less than two years of marriage. Prior to the wedding, she had proclaimed to me privately of the great love she had for this man, swooning over him, and now she was talking to me about getting involved with someone else she had her eyes on. I had seen the red flags, but I had quickly dismissed them, as I was only an observer of the relationship, I did not want to think the worst of it. You always want the best for your friends. Not long after the divorce, our friendship came to a quiet end. There was no confrontation, no fall out, but I soon came to see that the person I thought I knew, wasn’t there. I reflected on all the red flags I saw when I knew her, and realized that these signs pointed towards a very strong possibility that she was a narc. I was deeply shocked by this revelation, but things made much more sense. Sudden ghosting is typical behaviour of narcs that have decided that you are no longer of use to them, at least for the time being.

©2021 by Andrea Mai. All rights reserved.

The proposed theory for twin flame relationships is that after they meet, there is a stage known as the “bubble love” phase. This is when everything with that other person feels so magical. You think that this meeting was meant to be, that they are your soul mate or twin flame, because you never felt this way before, it has to be something special, even spiritually meaningful on a metaphysical level! They are saying the exact things you want to hear, they are giving you the love and admiration you always desired in a partner. They are even talking about a future with you.They are reflecting the kind of character traits that you hoped for in a romantic partner. And if this person is a narc, then the reality is that they are love bombing you and everything you are seeing what they want you to see, not what they really are. According to the twin flame theory the bubble will burst and the next phase will begin. 

While it is true that a kind of honey moon phase does occur with couples, it is this next phase that will trip people up. This is known as the “runner-chaser” phase. In reality, for most romances, once the fairy dust settles and the hormones calm down, people will see the other person for what they are, they will see the flaws in the other person and either realize that this person is not right for them, or that the flaws are not deal breakers. The relationship ends or carries on. But when an empath is involved with a narcissist, they are addicted to the love bombing, they are in love with the the character traits they thought they saw. Not realizing that it was all just a mirage. The narc has now taken you into their next phase of the relationship cycle, they have brought you into the deserted land of “devaluation”. Now they are ignoring your phone calls, not responding to your texts, the love you felt from them is no longer there. And you are left asking yourself, but what about the connection we felt? There’s your mistake, there was never a “we”. It was all you, you felt it, not them. Narcs don’t feel empathy for others, but they won’t stop you from believing that they love you, because your vulnerability was giving them what they wanted. Now they are on the run from you. And you are chasing after the mirage. You are interpreting their running away as them being afraid of this wonderful relationship, that they’re not ready for you, that they love you, but they’re afraid of the intensity your connection causes.  The narc is enjoying the chase, you are giving them attention they want. Now they know they’ve got you hooked. They might come back for round two and repeat the love bombing phase, but it always ends with devaluation once more. And so this is why many people think they are in a twin flame runner-chaser situation. They chased the narcissist and found themselves in the twin flame rabbit hole. 

The empath feels trapped now. They learned of what this twin flame thing is, that they never heard of til now. They felt this incredible magnetism with this person and they can’t afford to lose them. That feeling, that love they seek. What if they will never find another love again? And if it’s a twin flame, don’t they say there’s only one? And so you chase. And the narc gets their fuel. But you continue to suffer unrequited love. 

You, the empath, on this special twin flame journey, tell yourself, or listen to what others tell you. It’s a journey to “unconditional love”. You have to learn to love yourself first. You have to love them unconditionally despite all the turmoil they put you through. And so you go and practice self-love affirmations and chant mantras in hopes that by you, doing the “spiritual work”, that the mirage will come back to you and you will unite in twin flame union. 

Twin flames, or as I prefer the term, twin souls, are like two peas in a pod, they are of the same soul, this is why they are spiritually bonded and they can feel each other’s emotions and read their thoughts from a distance. And after the physical death of one, the soul will return to other, regardless of whether they met in life or not. This is how I found my twin soul, in the spirit. Sometimes people think they are feeling the other person’s emotions when they are not. Their own blinders won’t let them see that there is an inconsistency with what the person says and what they do. There is no running and chasing with real twin flames, there is an innate bond between the two, they are an inseparable unit, not even time of space can stop the connection.

©2021 by Andrea Mai. All rights reserved.

If you found yourself involved with a narc, what can you do to free yourself? You have to realize that what you felt wasn’t real. Your feelings were real, but the person you felt it for wasn’t. The other person was not what you thought they were. The longer you continue to hold on to the mirage, the more you will suffer, and this can hold you back for years of your life. You must confront the truth. The truth that you have been not allowing yourself to see. Let go of the mirage and forgive yourself for being deceived, then you will be free.

And yeah, there’s some of you out there that think that you might be able to change a narcissist with your incredible powers of empathy. You’re going to find yourself frustrated and realize that it’s not worth it. You cannot control a narc. This is how you got into this situation in the first place, you were somewhat controllable by the narc, not the other way around. They won’t change.The only thing you can do in a situation like this is leave, and implement a no contact policy.

There are those of you out there, who have written to me, with your heartbreaking stories of your partners leaving you for who they think is their twin flame. I’m very sorry that I do not have advice for you. This is a very difficult situation, as your partner has likely become ensnared by a narcissist. They fell into the twin flame rabbit hole and now they refuse to come out of it. You cannot force them to see what they do not wish to see. Only they can set themselves free. Understanding what happened might help you ease your heartbreak.

Many will be surprised to learn that many narcissists can be found in the areas of spirituality and charity. These places are feeding grounds for narcs who want to exert control over others and elevate their status. The barriers of entry are relatively low compared to other venues. The narc can appear very charismatic, and naive empaths may be easily lured in. Do not assume that someone who does charity or is interested in spiritual matters could not be a narc. A narc can come in many assortments. Narcissism is a very complex issue and there are different kinds of narcs. Be very careful when receiving spiritual advice from anyone, even more so when someone charges you money for it, and claims the title of guru or master. 

According to Dr. Ramani, it is estimated that 1 to 5 percent of the population is diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. But it is believed that possibly 30 percent of the population is narcissistic. When I first researched the subject of narcissism, I only suspected a small number of people I know are narcs. But upon greater study, I see that there are more than I first suspected. Narcs exist on a continuum , so they are not always easy to spot. They really can have you fooled, so do not assume you would easily spot them. Not everyone becomes a prime target for a narc, so your experience with a narc is not always an unpleasant one. But if you become involved with one romantically, then you better watch out. 

If you want to research more on the subject of narcissists, I recommend you search for these channels on YouTube, HG Tudor, a diagnosed narcissist sharing his insights; Doctor Ramani, a psychotherapist who has studies the subject; and Lady C, who says her mother was a narc and shares her experiences and knowledge with viewers. There are lots of resources talking about narcissism, but I would be careful, as not all sources are reliable.


Image above: “Twin flame candle” by Andrea Mai.

©2021 by Andrea Mai. All rights reserved.